When people who are not part of the lifestyle envision a Dominant woman, they see a woman in black leather, boots, holding a whip and carrying a stern expression. They think Dominant women are manhaters, who are willing to abuse anything that has testicles attached to it. I think if more people were willing to look beyond the stereotypical whips and chains and consider the basis of the relationship they would see that it is one of the most perfect examples of a relationship centered on love and trust.
Consider most vanilla relationships: When hubby does something that upsets the wife, she bitches and whines about it. She behaves helplessly, expecting him to correct his behavior in order to shut her up. Sometimes this happens, but often it does not. Either way it creates resentment on both sides. The wife resents the husband because in order to get him to behave she has to whine and fuss. The husband resents the wife because he is a pawn in a game, trying to avoid or appease the unhappy wife. Neither spouse feels good about the other or the marriage.
Sadly, this dysfunctional behavior goes on for many years, at least until one party decides that enough is enough and moves on (usually to a new relationship that is just as dysfunctional as the first).
Why is it that women do not simply take control, and tell the men they are with their expectations? I posit that it is because women, even in today’s society, are viewed as the weaker sex. Even though most women now work outside the home (not to mention care for the children and the house) they are still not willing to stand up for themselves or their needs. They cater to the needs of their husbands and put their own feelings aside.
If more women were willing to simply follow the premise of a D/s relationship, sharing their wants and expectations and allowing their husbands to meet their needs, there would be far fewer unhappy couples. D/s is not about the spankings, handcuffs, or play; those are secondary. Primarily D/s is about allowing your partner to meet your needs and graciously accepting their love and devotion. Is that really such a difficult thing?
I like the way you worded this post. I called it societal imposed forced equality, but you dissected the equality dynamic better. I agree it is dysfunctional and consumes a tremendous amount of time and effort to maintain the equality between the wife and husband. My wife and I have all that time & effort freed up to live our lives, strengthen our relationship, and pay attention to the raising of our children. This has to be one of the best unexpected effects of giving my wife my gift of submission. Not only are both of us more content from assuming our natural roles, there are also great side effects we are enjoying as well.
ReplyDeleteLet me start by saying that in general I do agree with your post wholeheartedly. I see too many relationship fall into the non-communication pitfall, but I'd like to point out a few things I have encountered over the years.
ReplyDeleteAlas it is often difficult to change behaviour that has been enforced by upbringing and peer pressure. It is often how women are brought up.
Plus bad communication skills are not just the prerogative of females. Men can be absolutely horrible at it.
Another point is taking control against a man that insists on the control leads to huge power clashes and fights. Usually things one tries to avoid, nagging and bitching is so much easier as use to escape the situation.
Most (thankfully not all) men are power hungry and once you have the power, why would you be willing to give it up to your wife? Most men are too high on power and have been brought up that they are the leader in the household. For the man to it takes inner strength to relinquish at least some of that power that, according to society/peer pressure, he is entitled to.
shadowladynl-
ReplyDeleteMen definitely have communication skills as well! I guess I am just tired of my female friends complaining about how bad things are with their partners but never clearly explaining to them what their expectations are.
With regards to men being power hungry- there definitely are some men who are not happy unless they have control of 'their woman'. But in my experience, most loving men are simply trying to please the woman they are with.
I loved this post. It makes things so simple. It's just management - set expectations clearly and monitor the results, providing encouragement (motivation?) and punishment (for want of a better word - or not really!) where appropriate.
ReplyDeleteI most whole-heartedly agree with you, and am also VERY tired of my friends who bitch about how things are not as they want them to be in their relationships. Unfortunately, as you well know, I have been guilty of this myself to spite my "dommeness" and I have to agree that peer pressure and upbringing to a certain degree have affected my behavior. Fortunately, I have the support of some wonderful friends (like our author) to help me through these times. Thanks for a GREAT post!
ReplyDelete-D
All that you have said is true. The difficulty is with the people involved. Some men would never be controlled and be willing to live with it. It may be limited intelligence, too much male hormones, or plain stupidity to accept the leadership of someone more suited.
ReplyDeleteIt could also be that some women don't want, or simply cannot lead, yet they will bitch about the conditions that her man imposes. I would call that an incompatible relationship.
I don't agree with a woman simply taking control, unless she is the one who is more suited to that task. In any other situation she may try, and the man may desire it, but it would be only for fun, not for real.
What is sad, is when a married couple goes with the "man in charge" scenario when the man is clearly unsuitable to be in charge. Even worse is when the woman is also less than leardership material. People like that need permanent counseling.
"They cater to the needs of their husbands and put their own feelings aside."
ReplyDeleteYes, putting the own feelings and needs aside is surely the wrong way.
No matter, if the relationship is female-led, male-led or vanilla... one partner should always be aware of the needs of the other partner - and vice versa. With more open communication and mutual consideration many relationships would be easier and more successful.