Over the past few days I have been looking at quite a few Femdom blogs and websites. There are many themes that seem to repeat themselves over and over- the ebb and flow of D/s relationships, chastity, punishments... but something that came up surprisingly often was submissive men who were trying to introduce D/s to their wife and make their marriage a Female led one.
In our marriage, the transition came about rather smoothly. Actually, j confessing that he wanted me to take control came as a relief to me. I had struggled for a long time feeling like he was not interested in me sexually since he would never initiate sex. I have always been open-minded, and embraced the idea of a Female-led marriage wholeheartedly.
If approached in the right way, I think most women would be receptive to a Female-led marriage (or relationship). If approached, the wrong way, both parties could feel alienated and it can bring about a huge rift in the relationship. For instance, in our vanilla days had my husband said to me, "Sweetheart- I want you to tie me up, spank me and then do me with a strap-on!" I would have been appalled. Even though that sounds like an exciting evening now- at that point in my life the idea would have been seemed far too much for me to take.
So what IS the right way to approach a woman about your needs? I think there is a nice, gentle progression and if followed correctly I believe most women would be receptive to this type of relationship.
• Take some responsibilities off your wife's shoulders. Do the laundry, make dinner, pick up after yourself so that she doesn't have to, do the dishes. When your wife notices and asks why you are doing these things, do NOT say, "Because I want to be your little French maid, taking care of all your needs." DO say, "Because I love you and see how much you do for me. I want you to have time to relax and enjoy yourself.
• Now that you have taken more responsibility around the house, start doing thoughtful, caring things for your wife. Bring her a glass of wine in the evening, get her small gifts (a rose, a copy of a new book from her favorite author), get her a card and write in it how much you love her. When she asks why you are giving her so much attention, do NOT say , "I am giving you lots of attention because I want to do everything for you. I want to be your pet, your footstool, your chauffer, your pedicurist." DO say, "I care about you and want to make you happy. I love nothing more than seeing you smile."
By doing these first few things for a period of time (a month or so), you have given your wife a sense of Dominance. She has learned to expect you to meet some of her needs, and she is surely appreciating all of the extra help you are giving her.
• Begin focussing on her needs in the bedroom. Massage her, rub her back, play with her hair, and give her plenty of physical affection. When you are intimate, focus only on her orgasm. Allow her to lay back and relax as you lick her body and taste her. Enjoy her and luxuriate in the woman that she is. If she wants to make love to you and you get to have an orgasm, great. If not, hold her and rub her back as she drifts off to sleep. She will likely ask why you are not worried about your own orgasm. Do NOT say, "You are my Goddess and for you I will lock my cock up for the next year and never touch it again." DO say, "I love your body so much and you deserve all the pleasure that I can give you. My needs are secondary to yours."
By now she likely has some idea the direction that you are going with things, and quite frankly- at this point you ARE in a Female-led marriage (even if you haven't yet discussed it).
• Now is the time to sit down and share your feelings with your wife. Tell her how much you have enjoyed meeting some of her needs, and that you wish you had done those things for her all along. Explain to her how much you love her, and tell her that you want to serve her. Explain to her what you want, but not in D/s terms. Do NOT use the words D/s, BDSM, Dominance, Mistress, whip, beating, etc. Do tell her that you want her to have the control in the marriage, and that if you fail to meet her needs you want her to hold you accountable.
The basic idea is that a marriage cannot go from vanilla one day to D/s the next, even in the best of circumstances. Springing your list of personal kinks on your wife is going to get you nothing, and frankly is not behavior that is appropriate of any submissive. Allowing your relationship to progress slowly towards a FemDom marriage is the best bet.
The statements that I have come up with to share with your wife/partner are not meant to be used word for word, as it is important for you to speak from your heart. The point I am trying to make is that introducing your wife into the D/s world should be a gentle, loving expression of your submission to Her and desire to meet Her needs, not an expectation that she will instantly embrace your kink.
This is pretty much how we entered into our Wife Led Marriage. My husband began with stealth submission...doing housework, rubbing my feet, etc. When he felt right, he sent me an email to open the door and we talked about it that night. It was the best move we have ever made in our marriage.
ReplyDeleteI started off the same way. I even became much more personal by performing toilet and menstrual service. She became so aroused I would pleasure her to an ultimate orgasm on the commode. She requires this as protocol
ReplyDeleteSounds good, and I, personally, am working in that direction. I do hope it eventually goes to include some kink, but you know what, even if it doesn't, that's OK, as she'll benefit from it anyway.
ReplyDeleteAnd btw, I don't see this as "submission", I see this as being a good husband.
- Playerazzi
I have botched things up quite a bit. I mentioned my kinky feelings to my wife of thirty years before I read much of the many blogs and sites about this. We have not been too intimate in a while and perhaps my kink is the reason. Now I'm not sure where to go. I cook often already and used to do hair brushing and foot massages. Not enough I guess. I'm not sure what to do now at all.
ReplyDeleteHow are things now? i seem to be in the same situation. What i do around the house is just helping out to me.She knows of my kinky feelings but has no interest at all.
DeleteMa'am
ReplyDeleteproblem which i think, most of men like me who want their wives to take control of all aspects of their lives, face is how to get her to understand our submissive feelings and not think of me as some wimp. because today she loves me for all powerful confident man who is making all the decisions in house, whose word is last in every matter, to reverse it slowly also won't i loose her respect and love for me,this is my biggest fear and deterant.
I have a very dominant side as a female, and my husband seems nervous of me doing anything that requires me to be a femdom. I have always wanted to be and I have had some near experiences with ex's in my past. could you email me? and give me some advice on how to kinda, slowly and gently, ease my husband into such a sexual relationship? big.spener@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteYeah ......I'd be interested in this also.I don't understand why there's almost nothing on the internet about this, I don't understand why men get explained how to tell there wives " I want you to be the boss" when there's no other option for us than to tell our big macho guys "yeah ...I sort of want you to kinda submit to me.....please ?" which is sooo submissive and unnerving .
DeleteFor women approaching men, I'd say approach the opposite way. start with a little kink (nothing extreme). Men are not likely to turn down sex even if you want to tie them down or smack their ass. Try a little more each time, then you can tell him how sexy it is when he plays your sex slave. He may or may not be into it, but he will likely indulge you at some level.
ReplyDeleteIts very important to start with the little things, and work slow. Don't shock her all at once. Do little things around the house, as well as slowly change your bedroom activities. I spent 5 years of my life worrying my wife would think I'm crazy if she knew how i felt and what I needed. A true submissive man will always find himself going back to submissive feelings and eventually they wont be happy if they don't submit to their wives in an open atmosphere. If you are a man experiencing these feelings, don't ignore them, when you work up the courage to tell her, you will be so relieved. start with foot rubs while watching TV, back rubs before falling asleep, lots and lots of oral on her, large dildos etc. Do the dishes, do the laundry, poor her wine, slowly give her hints, send her a text, email, etc. She will eventually ask you whats up, if you have the courage then tell her, if not stick to above plan until you do. After you tell her she may be surprised, shocked confused.... explain that it doesn't change your love for her, and that it will make your marriage and or family stronger. ( they love and need to hear that before agreeing)once you let her know send her a link to the Elise Sutton Q&A for new dominant women
ReplyDeleteelisesutton.homestead.com/beginnerdomme.html
Have her read it, discuss what both of you do and don't like about the lifestyle. Only go forward with what shes comfortable with. If shes not interested in what is the most appealing aspect of a Fem dom lifestyle to you, then don't push her. Its all about her. Giver her time, these relationships are permanent so they will always progress. Don't masturbate any more, unless she allows you to. The reason being is your submission will suffer briefly after you cum. I'm not saying you have to be in chastity right away, even though that's where this will ultimately lead to some level weather you like it or not because she will soon realize how much more submissive you are when denied, but its all about her, so masturbating behind her back just isn't worth it or healthy once you have come clean about your feelings and needs. In the beginning when she is testing the waters of her new dominant role, don't get upset or angry when she doesn't let you cum, even though its frustrating at first you have to prove to her that this decision is for real, and not focusing on your arousal is a great way to do that. You have to understand that this will change everything, she will slowly become more confident than she has ever been, and will need you in different ways than she did before. She may still always need your penis in the way she did before, but on her terms, or she may realize that your penis is really only useful for her entertainment and to keep you in check, but either way unless she takes it to major extreme which is not common, she will satisfy you when she see fit. Once a week should be the most you expect at best. Communication is the most important thing of this whole lifestyle, at any level of experience, one week in or 20 years later, you have to communicate.You have to trust her, and she has to trust you. If you commit to this lifestyle and communicate together it will be a very rewarding marriage that you wont regret. I'm sorry if this has been to long for some of you but I needed to hear all the things that I just told you before I entered into the lifestyle. We had a happy marriage before, but telling her was the best choice I have ever made. I felt the weight of the world drop off my shoulders when I told my wife. Explain to her that its who you are! She will likely understand, and in no time your wife will become the master you always dreamed of, and you will become the submissive that she is proud to control. If anyone wants to discuss this in more detail, reply to my post and I would be happy to help you out. I will check back every couple of weeks.
I read your post with great interest.My husband recently told me his desire for me to take charge of the marriage and run it as I please.Our stories sound very similar.I first noticed a change in Dave a couple of years ago.He started to go out of his way to be extra attentive to my needs.doing more things around the house,doing dishes,cleaning the house(even though he at times puts in long hours working at his job).Many times at night he gives me foot massages and rubs my back after he brings me a glass of wine.Our sex life has not been very active for several years because ed problems with him.I told him the first thing he must do for me is to service me with oral sex,body massages,sex toys and whatever.I think our marriage is much better now even though it was not bad before.I agree that for me the slow approuch was less of a shock that just hitting over the head with this lifestyle.I am gaining convidence in leading.
DeleteMy two cents is one can't convert a woman to be a Dom. Don't get my wrong, they will play the role like during sex but thats about as far as it will go. When you first meet someone their personality should be a give way if she's a possible. Is she the rough around the edges type, speaks her mind, 100% not timid, tells you to jump off a bridge if you don't like what she's does. Maybe she's a girlie-girl, timid little mouse, always says stuff like: whatever you want dear. Not always but which personality would at some point want a submissive male.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you have already brought it up but used the terms you have read and she doesn't want to do most of the things rather just have me clean house
ReplyDelete