Cuckolding: A sub's Perspective

After receiving the comment on my blog, which I have addressed in "Cuckolding: A Domme's Perspective," I asked j to write his thoughts on the matter. These are his words:

i can imagine it can be difficult for someone who is not a submissive or has never been in a D/s relationship to truly understand and appreciate that kind of relationship. Additionally, it must be hard to understand why someone would want the person they love and cherish to be intimate with another person. i know Mistress and i have gone through these discussion in regards to other types or "factions" of BDSM. There are some types of D/s or BDSM that W/we simply do not get. i attribute this lack of appreciation to not having been in that type of relationship before or not having those kinds of feelings. When W/we first started in O/our D/s relationship, i remember reading that the members of the BDSM community were actually the most critical group of people of the lifestyle. Much more so than those outside. That every person has their turn-on and doesn't understand why somebody else has something else that triggers them. So i am going to attribute some of your concern to that.

Secondly, it is a broad generalization that intimate relationships with more than two people usually end up in disaster. This may be where you are coming from. Conversely, W/we feel that if a relationship has the essential elements needed to succeed, thrive, and grow, that anything is possible. One of the hallmarks of a D/s relationship is communication and trust. Though there are couples out there that have very strict Cuckold relationships where the man has zero control over anything, that is not O/our situation. There is constant communication, evaluation, and assessment before, during, and afterwards. Not just when W/we invite another person but in every aspect. Mistress controls the wheel. But without having a deep trust and love for Her, She wouldn't be able to have that control. And there must be trust that She has everyone's (cannot underline that word enough) best interest in mind.

Thirdly, i don't know if W/we have the standard cuckold relationship. i think W/we fall somewhere between cuckold, whitol, and swinger. As you have read, She controls the actions but W/we are both involved in the interactions. W/we share this experience together. And that is what makes it special.

Lastly, the real question: What do i get out of it? i receive incredible fulfillment from the knowledge that the person i love is having Her fantasies realized and that i can provide that for Her. Nothing turns me on more than seeing Mistress turned on. i am not forced into this. i am not a slave. i am submitting to Her desires and in turn being fulfilled by Her sexual and emotional exploration with other people.

i hope this clarifies O/our situation a little. Thanks for reading and special thanks for your input.

Cuckolding: A Domme's Perspective

When you write a blog, you open yourself up to comments and thoughts from others. By and large, the comments I receive are supportive and appreciative. On occasion I receive a comment that is critical. I received this comment today and felt it would make a good blog post.

The comment reads: “Sounds like that is it for your marriage unless hubby can stand your obvious desire for other men. Ask yourself this: Do you have any interest in j sexually other than as an object of your pleasure? If not, you should let him know and see how he feels. It looks to me you are confusing dominance with sexual boredom, because your guy can't "man up" in the bedroom.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but cuckoldry is playing with fire, and you might want to ask yourself (assuming you actually care for j) what he is getting out of it.

And yes, I've read the other two posts on this topic.

Clarence”

My response: I appreciate your comment and realize it was placed after thought and out of concern for My marriage. I can assure you that cuckolding was not something either one of us entered into lightly. We had discussed the issue quite a bit at different times, and came to the conclusion it was the path for us. Read: US. Not for Me, not for him, but for Us together as a couple. j is my husband first, my submissive second. Feel free to ask him if he sees this as a problem, if he feels like he cannot satisfy me, if he prefers that things be different. I can assure you that is not the case. he has told me this, and he has written this on his own blog, Serving My Mistress.

j is not by any means a groveling on the floor type of submissive. That’s just not who he is. He can and DOES speak his mind, especially when something is bothering him. Can he satisfy me? Sure! Do I enjoy being able to tease him and taunt him, letting him know that another man is doing it for me? Absolutely! j’s ONLY deficiencies in the bedroom are that he is small (which has never been an issue for me) and that he cannot last a long time (something we have remedied quite well with numbing cream). Aside from that, he is a phenomenal lover, whether the sex is traditional, vanilla sex or full-blown, out and out raunchy D/s sex.

You are right when you say that cuckolding is a dangerous path. I agree, wholeheartedly. Then again, that could be said about many different aspects of Dominance and submission. But ultimately, the path we are taking is one we chose to take, together. I respect j’s limits, but more than that, I am cognizant of his feelings. I have never been the type of Domme that goes through life without a care in the world about the feelings of her submissive. Rather, I want him to be happy.

My blog includes time away, sometimes months at a time when D/s was not working for us for whatever reason. During these times, we generally have a more vanilla relationship, at least in the sexual sense. And who is it who comes back begging for more D/s? He does. After my submissive came and visited us for a few days, j was immediately trying to figure out how we could travel and spend more time together.

After reading his comment, I asked j to write his thoughts on the matter. I will be posting them now, as Cuckolding: A sub's Perspective.

How I Became the Domme I Am

I fully recognized my sexual Dominance about 8 years ago at the age of 27. Although I have posted about this before, I will share the story again as I realize I have quite a few new readers. When my husband and I first met, our sex life was fantastic. We made love several times a day and made quite the sport out of sex... challenging each other to different positions or more and more times a day. But soon, as is often the case, the passion died down. We experienced long lulls where sex was nonexistent. We would embrace and cuddle, but rarely anything more. I became concerned because j would never initiate sex. The more I tried to talk to him about it, the bigger an issue it became until one night, in the heat of the moment, he said he needed me to take control.

Shortly thereafter, I dragged him to the bookstore, grabbed the raunchiest BDSM book I could find, opened to a page with a picture of a man, hogtied and bound with a ball gag in his mouth and said, “Is this what you want?” His eyes grew large and he told me no, that was not what he had in mind... he just wanted me to initiate and control the sex. Too late though- because it was what I wanted. I took to D/s like a duck to water... if only I had known it would be so easy! And within a very short period of time, j was so grateful for having this new Dominant authority in his life.

Even though I did not discover my sexual Dominance until 27, when I look back on my life there were many signs I was Dominant from the start. One of my strongest memories is of wrestling a teenage boyfriend. This was a regular activity for us... get together, hang out, play video games and then wrestle. He was bigger and stronger than me and could easily take me down but I didn’t play fair at all. I would scratch, pull hair, bite, slap... and become incredibly sexually exhilarated. When he would yelp in pain, I would giggle and feel a rush. When I finally had him pinned beneath me, my adrenaline and passion surged to a high.

I have other memories, such as telling my mother, “I am my own person, I am my own self, and I will NOT clean my room.” This, at five years old. I liked to take control of most situations, not through belligerence or brattiness but rather through sheer assertiveness.

I dated men who enjoyed pleasing women. They treated me very well and were sensitive to my needs. The men I chose to date were far more concerned about my satisfaction than their own, and in all honesty I expected this. I scoffed at friends who complained about their crappy relationships and wondered why they would settle for anything less than a good man. I held my boyfriends to the fire. I wasn’t a bitch, but I expected accountability.

I wasn’t willing to settle for being treated like anything less than a queen. Because I refused to settle for less, that is what I received... so it is no surprise that the transition to sexual Dominant was easy. It was just taking my control and applying it to yet another area of my life. I have never looked back!