Sparking Desire in a Newbie

I recently had a conversation with an otherwise vanilla friend in which he shared that he and his girlfriend have not been intimate for months. After a bit of discussion, I suggested that he 'kink it up' a bit. We continued on the topic, and he asked what I do when I am in the mood and j is not showing any interest. I responded that I just take what I want. He was not previously privy to the details of my intimate life, and I could tell my response caught him off guard.

He started asking questions, and the more he asked (and seemed intrigued), the more I felt willing to share. I could tell that he was incredibly aroused by the conversation, and I must admit I was a bit turned on myself. It was as if I could see the gears turning in his head. This was mostly new to him. His only point of reference is what he has seen in some pornographic magazines and pop culture references.

He told me he had never felt a desire for anything like a Femdom relationship, but that the more I described it, the more he wanted it. He talked about how much it turned him on that a woman would be assertive and sexually free, that she would embrace her desires. He said (and I agree) that nothing is hotter than a powerful, confident woman.

None of this really surprised me, though. I think many, many men would prefer that their wife/girlfriend/partner take on a more dominant role, especially in the bedroom. It's not just about the great sex (although my worst D/s sex is FAR better than my best vanilla sex). It's more about the connection between man and woman... the man surrendering himself to her, and the woman accepting him and molding him to please her. The communication and awareness of each other that exists in a D/s relationship is beyond what I believe most unfamiliar with the lifestyle can imagine. And that, my dear readers, makes for a very happy couple.

Looking for New D/s Friends

Several months ago, while surfing Craigslist, I came across an ad from a Femdom couple who were looking to meet another Femdom couple. I was very excited, as they were located relatively close to us and enjoyed similar activities (both hobbies/likes as well as kinks). After emailing back and forth a few times, we chatted online. Shortly thereafter we met in person, for dinner and drinks. The meeting was a lot of fun, and once we all were comfortable with each other the conversation became quite revealing. It was so nice to be able to relax and be ourselves around others, especially knowing that they shared our desire for a female-led relationship.

We have continued getting to know them better over the past few months, but sadly they are struggling quite a bit in their relationship and lives and have decided to put aside their D/s interests until things settle down for them. While we are certainly still friends with them, I am sad that the sole couple that we are completely open with has put their common bond with us on hiatus. Which puts me on my current quest- to find another couple who shares our Femdom interests and lifestyle.

Before I met our friends I did not realize the value of bonding with a couple who shares similar passions. Now that their paths have diverged from ours, I am missing the familiarity and comradery.

Introducing Female Domination to the Vanilla Partner

Over the past few days I have been looking at quite a few Femdom blogs and websites. There are many themes that seem to repeat themselves over and over- the ebb and flow of D/s relationships, chastity, punishments... but something that came up surprisingly often was submissive men who were trying to introduce D/s to their wife and make their marriage a Female led one.

In our marriage, the transition came about rather smoothly. Actually, j confessing that he wanted me to take control came as a relief to me. I had struggled for a long time feeling like he was not interested in me sexually since he would never initiate sex. I have always been open-minded, and embraced the idea of a Female-led marriage wholeheartedly.

If approached in the right way, I think most women would be receptive to a Female-led marriage (or relationship). If approached, the wrong way, both parties could feel alienated and it can bring about a huge rift in the relationship. For instance, in our vanilla days had my husband said to me, "Sweetheart- I want you to tie me up, spank me and then do me with a strap-on!" I would have been appalled. Even though that sounds like an exciting evening now- at that point in my life the idea would have been seemed far too much for me to take.

So what IS the right way to approach a woman about your needs? I think there is a nice, gentle progression and if followed correctly I believe most women would be receptive to this type of relationship.

• Take some responsibilities off your wife's shoulders. Do the laundry, make dinner, pick up after yourself so that she doesn't have to, do the dishes. When your wife notices and asks why you are doing these things, do NOT say, "Because I want to be your little French maid, taking care of all your needs." DO say, "Because I love you and see how much you do for me. I want you to have time to relax and enjoy yourself.

• Now that you have taken more responsibility around the house, start doing thoughtful, caring things for your wife. Bring her a glass of wine in the evening, get her small gifts (a rose, a copy of a new book from her favorite author), get her a card and write in it how much you love her. When she asks why you are giving her so much attention, do NOT say , "I am giving you lots of attention because I want to do everything for you. I want to be your pet, your footstool, your chauffer, your pedicurist." DO say, "I care about you and want to make you happy. I love nothing more than seeing you smile."

By doing these first few things for a period of time (a month or so), you have given your wife a sense of Dominance. She has learned to expect you to meet some of her needs, and she is surely appreciating all of the extra help you are giving her.

• Begin focussing on her needs in the bedroom. Massage her, rub her back, play with her hair, and give her plenty of physical affection. When you are intimate, focus only on her orgasm. Allow her to lay back and relax as you lick her body and taste her. Enjoy her and luxuriate in the woman that she is. If she wants to make love to you and you get to have an orgasm, great. If not, hold her and rub her back as she drifts off to sleep. She will likely ask why you are not worried about your own orgasm. Do NOT say, "You are my Goddess and for you I will lock my cock up for the next year and never touch it again." DO say, "I love your body so much and you deserve all the pleasure that I can give you. My needs are secondary to yours."

By now she likely has some idea the direction that you are going with things, and quite frankly- at this point you ARE in a Female-led marriage (even if you haven't yet discussed it).

• Now is the time to sit down and share your feelings with your wife. Tell her how much you have enjoyed meeting some of her needs, and that you wish you had done those things for her all along. Explain to her how much you love her, and tell her that you want to serve her. Explain to her what you want, but not in D/s terms. Do NOT use the words D/s, BDSM, Dominance, Mistress, whip, beating, etc. Do tell her that you want her to have the control in the marriage, and that if you fail to meet her needs you want her to hold you accountable.

The basic idea is that a marriage cannot go from vanilla one day to D/s the next, even in the best of circumstances. Springing your list of personal kinks on your wife is going to get you nothing, and frankly is not behavior that is appropriate of any submissive. Allowing your relationship to progress slowly towards a FemDom marriage is the best bet.

The statements that I have come up with to share with your wife/partner are not meant to be used word for word, as it is important for you to speak from your heart. The point I am trying to make is that introducing your wife into the D/s world should be a gentle, loving expression of your submission to Her and desire to meet Her needs, not an expectation that she will instantly embrace your kink.

Would A Stranger Ever Guess?

j and I frequently remark about people we encounter who seem to have very Dominant or submissive personalities. It was something we really never noticed until we started delving into the lifestyle ourselves, but ever since it seems that some people stick out like sore thumbs. I was wondering today, would an outsider guess our 'secret?'

If a stranger were to meet us separately, the answer would be a resounding no! Aside from the fact that my clothes are mostly black, and I am usually wearing heels of some sort, there would be very little clue. I tend to be a little introverted when dealing with strangers. I am observant, and I like to read people. I do not think I come across as an overly Dominant woman....until people get to know me! People who know me well see that side of me that likes to be in control of every situation, and whose eyes flash with anger when I am crossed.

As for j, he is the opposite. His personality is affable and light, warm and personable. He is the life of the party, and I swear he has never met a stranger that he did not like! And truly, that is the way he is with both new friends and old. He does not give off even a hint of subservience. He is a natural leader!

But when we are together... the interplay between my Dominance and his submission is quite obvious. For two people who are 'in the closet' so to speak, we do not hide the nature of our relationship. He refers to me as his queen, his beauty, he waits on me hand and foot. He rubs my back, opens the car door for me, and submits to me in any way I desire. He asks me before he spends money, and when making any decisions, he tells others that he has to ask 'the boss' first. I expect these acts of obedience from him. When he slacks off (and he does from time to time), I am right there, reinforcing my Dominance over him. A new development...if he does something wrong, he comes to me and asks me to slap his face. It started out as a joke, but has become a meaningful, if brief, punishment for his errors. It is more about the act than any pain, as I am careful to never smack him too hard....okay, mostly. ;)

It is an interesting dichotomy: apart, few would suspect my Dominance or j's submission, but together some degree of the nature of our relationship is apparent. I know my control and dominance makes j the loving submissive that he is, and he makes me the Dominant queen that I am!

About Last Night

Last night was our first face to face meeting with Domina and anthony from The Path Least Chosen. j and I had a bit of a drive to get there, and spent time discussing how we were feeling. While we were both nervous, we were also very excited to meet another couple who shares our desires for a female dominated relationship.

When j and I pulled up to the restaurant, I was wondering what I was getting in to. We were in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm, and the outside of the restaurant looked quite run down. Fortunately, Domina and anthony arrived shortly thereafter. It was so great seeing them and finally being able to put faces to names. They are a cute couple- Domina is effervescent, bubbly and bright. anthony is a bit shy and reserved, and has a sweet smile. The restaurant turned out far better than expected. The inside was quite nice and the food was delicious and inexpensive.

We initially talked more about our lives. The conversation at this point was very vanilla, but even so it was nice to finally feel that I could be free and let my guard down around someone else. D/s has become quite a bit of who we are, and it is difficult to have something you feel so strongly about that you cannot share with anyone other than your partner. The best analogy I can give is spending time with Grandma. When you go to see Grandma, there are things you cannot do or say, simply because she cannot handle them (or at least my Grandma couldn't). Therefore the entire time you spend with Grandma you are never really quite yourself since you are censoring your words and editing them as you say them lest Grandma think you are anything less than perfect. This analogy, while a bit long-winded, describes how I feel when spending time with our vanilla friends. I can never fully relax and be myself.

Talking with Domina and anthony was like talking with old friends. There were never any gaps in the conversation, it just flowed freely. It was nice to see anthony opening up more as the night went on and he became more comfortable. Time seemed to fly by, and gradually the restaurant emptied until it was just our table sitting next to the kitchen help. I really did not want the evening to end, and we agreed to go get drinks and dessert. By this time we all seemed to be a bit more relaxed and the conversation seemed to drift towards our relationships and fetishes. anthony, when he does speak, is very profound. I remember listening to him thinking "Wow, I really need to remember that line, that's great." Domina just makes me smile. I love how she would pull things out of anthony, sharing bits of themselves and their desires. At one point they referred to who outfreaked who. This reference was followed shortly thereafter by anthony asking j about urethral sounds and how the heck they worked (with a horrified look on his face)! So maybe we won the outfreak battle, but I am not so sure we will win the war!

It wasn't until after 1 a.m. that we called it a night. I normally would have fallen asleep in the car on the ride home, but instead talked with j about how our evening went. We both agreed it went as well as it possibly could have. I am looking forward to getting together with Domina and anthony again soon. I can even see shopping and spending time with Domina on one of her nights away from anthony. Girls time is always good, especially when we can bounce ideas off each other! Thank you, Domina and anthony, for a wonderful evening. Hope it is the first of many to come.