D/s for Dummies... or Beginners

(Yes, the promised Wednesday How-To is a little late... but I'm a Domme, damnit! I can break my own rules if I want.)

Seven + years into my full-time D/s lifestyle, I have a difficult time trying to remember my marriage in its infancy. When we met, j was hopelessly vanilla in behavior, though he had some D/s fantasies (that he did not share with me until later). I was kinkier and definitely more Dominant outside the bedroom, but was used to my boyfriends being more the aggressors in the bedroom.

It led to a few years of frustration for both of us – j wanting something that he was afraid to put into words, and me wanting to control him but not realizing that control could exist in the bedroom as well.

All of this came to a head one night during a heated discussion. I felt let down that j seemed uninterested in sex, and I was not afraid to tell him how disappointed I was. Out of nowhere, he said, “I want you to take control.” That was the beginning of it, and despite a few bumps in the road, j and I are very happy that we are travelling this path together.

There are quite a few words of advice I would offer to couples interested in incorporating Dominance and submission into their relationship. First, make sure you are both on the same page, or at least reading the same book. Communication is key. Both partners should have similar expectations of what they want from the experience.

Find a checklist online of different activities. Fill them out separately and then compare them. Talk about each one. You will be surprised how your feelings on things may change as you move forward in your relationship. Things I had no interest in years ago are now vital parts of our lifestyle.

Start slowly! At first, especially when you find a willing partner, you want to try and do everything. There are so many new experiences, new toys, new things to try. Don’t do everything at once. You may even need to be as regimented as saying, “Only one new thing a month.”

Inevitably, there will be ebbs and flows in the prominence of D/s in your relationship. Even our marriage, which we consider to be 24/7, has times when we just put it on the shelf for a while. Responsibilities at work, children and family obligations, stressors of all kinds can impact your desire to explore D/s. Don’t let it get you down- it’s NORMAL, and you likely will come back to right where you left off once things have resolved, sometimes with a renewed interest.

Consider the psychological ramifications of the things you might do. This is a biggie for me. There are a lot of things that may just need to remain fantasies. Communication is so important. There are doors that, once opened, cannot be closed again. Consider this especially when engaging in extreme play, such as extreme sadism, cuckolding, or humiliation. There are some partners for whom these things would not be damaging, but others who might find them shattering to their core. It’s not worth the thousands of dollars in potential psychiatry bills.

Being open is great, but be careful whom you choose to share this with. I tend to be a little overly cautious in this area, but that’s just me. I have a few close friends I have come out to, and my sister, but that has been it. In general I choose to keep this part of me secret.

Most of all, enjoy yourselves! Have fun, explore who you are and what makes you tick. Take notes along the way... heck, start your own blog. This lifestyle is a journey, and everyone's path is just a little different.

If One Sub Is Good...

There have been times that I have contemplated what it would be like to have another submissive, in addition to j. At first, it was something that I fantasized about. If one submissive was good, two would be even better, right? But over time, it became a serious consideration. I got to know one submissive a couple of years ago. I found him delightful, as our D/s interests meshed well. I did fear the impact that it would have on my relationship with j, and despite j's reassurance that he was fine with it, I ended things with him.

My blog has been increasing in popularity, and as the hits have increased I have begun being propositioned for all sorts of 'encounters'. Truthfully, I would never be interested in being a ProDomme, only because I highly value the emotional interchange that occurs in D/s relationships and imagine that would be very sparse (if not non-existent) during a one-time session. On the other hand, I really adore submissive men. They intrigue me, and I enjoy interacting with them.

While I am not considering a physical relationship with another man at this point, I do like the idea of getting to know another submissive, and developing the interplay - that is, if I find a submissive whose needs match mine. From there, I don't know where things might lead.

I have discussed this with j, and he has encouraged me. I don't think that j is into cuckoldry, but rather he longs for me to be pleased to the greatest extent possible. And for right now, that pleasure involves getting to know another submissive man, whoever he might be.

Ultimately this whole desire probably stems from wanting to develop a closeness to others who understand the way that I feel and think. Those who won't consider my behavior 'bitchy' or bossy, but rather assertive and Dominant. Nonetheless, it shall be interesting to see what, if anything, develops.

On an unrelated side note, j and I have begun work on the podcast. Hopefully our first episode will be ready soon.

Introducing Female Domination to the Vanilla Partner

Over the past few days I have been looking at quite a few Femdom blogs and websites. There are many themes that seem to repeat themselves over and over- the ebb and flow of D/s relationships, chastity, punishments... but something that came up surprisingly often was submissive men who were trying to introduce D/s to their wife and make their marriage a Female led one.

In our marriage, the transition came about rather smoothly. Actually, j confessing that he wanted me to take control came as a relief to me. I had struggled for a long time feeling like he was not interested in me sexually since he would never initiate sex. I have always been open-minded, and embraced the idea of a Female-led marriage wholeheartedly.

If approached in the right way, I think most women would be receptive to a Female-led marriage (or relationship). If approached, the wrong way, both parties could feel alienated and it can bring about a huge rift in the relationship. For instance, in our vanilla days had my husband said to me, "Sweetheart- I want you to tie me up, spank me and then do me with a strap-on!" I would have been appalled. Even though that sounds like an exciting evening now- at that point in my life the idea would have been seemed far too much for me to take.

So what IS the right way to approach a woman about your needs? I think there is a nice, gentle progression and if followed correctly I believe most women would be receptive to this type of relationship.

• Take some responsibilities off your wife's shoulders. Do the laundry, make dinner, pick up after yourself so that she doesn't have to, do the dishes. When your wife notices and asks why you are doing these things, do NOT say, "Because I want to be your little French maid, taking care of all your needs." DO say, "Because I love you and see how much you do for me. I want you to have time to relax and enjoy yourself.

• Now that you have taken more responsibility around the house, start doing thoughtful, caring things for your wife. Bring her a glass of wine in the evening, get her small gifts (a rose, a copy of a new book from her favorite author), get her a card and write in it how much you love her. When she asks why you are giving her so much attention, do NOT say , "I am giving you lots of attention because I want to do everything for you. I want to be your pet, your footstool, your chauffer, your pedicurist." DO say, "I care about you and want to make you happy. I love nothing more than seeing you smile."

By doing these first few things for a period of time (a month or so), you have given your wife a sense of Dominance. She has learned to expect you to meet some of her needs, and she is surely appreciating all of the extra help you are giving her.

• Begin focussing on her needs in the bedroom. Massage her, rub her back, play with her hair, and give her plenty of physical affection. When you are intimate, focus only on her orgasm. Allow her to lay back and relax as you lick her body and taste her. Enjoy her and luxuriate in the woman that she is. If she wants to make love to you and you get to have an orgasm, great. If not, hold her and rub her back as she drifts off to sleep. She will likely ask why you are not worried about your own orgasm. Do NOT say, "You are my Goddess and for you I will lock my cock up for the next year and never touch it again." DO say, "I love your body so much and you deserve all the pleasure that I can give you. My needs are secondary to yours."

By now she likely has some idea the direction that you are going with things, and quite frankly- at this point you ARE in a Female-led marriage (even if you haven't yet discussed it).

• Now is the time to sit down and share your feelings with your wife. Tell her how much you have enjoyed meeting some of her needs, and that you wish you had done those things for her all along. Explain to her how much you love her, and tell her that you want to serve her. Explain to her what you want, but not in D/s terms. Do NOT use the words D/s, BDSM, Dominance, Mistress, whip, beating, etc. Do tell her that you want her to have the control in the marriage, and that if you fail to meet her needs you want her to hold you accountable.

The basic idea is that a marriage cannot go from vanilla one day to D/s the next, even in the best of circumstances. Springing your list of personal kinks on your wife is going to get you nothing, and frankly is not behavior that is appropriate of any submissive. Allowing your relationship to progress slowly towards a FemDom marriage is the best bet.

The statements that I have come up with to share with your wife/partner are not meant to be used word for word, as it is important for you to speak from your heart. The point I am trying to make is that introducing your wife into the D/s world should be a gentle, loving expression of your submission to Her and desire to meet Her needs, not an expectation that she will instantly embrace your kink.

Discussing Desires

When j and I first delved into D/s, we found a great checklist of hundreds (yes, hundreds) of possible D/s related activities. The idea is that both partners can disclose their interests, limits, and desires in this manner. The first time we did this, both j and I were a little unnerved talking about some of the things on this list, so I printed out a copy for each of us and we answered it separately. Later I took both copies and cross-referenced them. We discussed areas we both were interested in, and noted each others limits. It was handy to have a little checklist to consider when I wanted to try something new.

A couple years later, we revisited this exercise. Again, we answered separately and compared answers, but this time in a more open manner. Many things we had previously not been interested in had grown into desires for one or both of us. Also, some things we had been curious about when we considered the list initially had become things we loved (and a couple of things we had tried and could cross off our list since we neither one of us enjoyed them).

Last night we went over the list again, and this time we did it together. There were a couple of surprises for each of us, but for the most part it was just a reflection on where we want to progress. Five plus years into D/s, there are still many things we have not tried (but want to)! I believe it is critical for partners to discuss these things periodically. Desires and turn-ons change over time, and previous limits can melt away over time.

All the talk of D/s turned me on quite a bit. When we were done, I took off my clothes and asked j for my Eroscillator. I instructed him to tell me a fantasy while I masturbated. Initially, he said nothing. In fact, it was several minutes before he began talking, but finally he gave in and told a very erotic story of him coming home to find me naked and pleasuring myself. In his story I instructed him to take off all of his clothes, and tied him up spread-eagled to the bed. I applied a numbing agent to his cock, so that I could receive pleasure from his cock inside me but he could feel very little. After putting a blindfold on him, I lowered my ass onto his cock. With his cock in my ass, I used a dildo on my pussy. I used him in this manner for quite some time, climaxing several times. When I was done with his cock, I sat on his face, the juices from my pussy dripping down over him. His tongue alternated between flicking across my clit and licking my pussy... at least that was how the fantasy went. As jim relayed his fantasy to me, I had a couple of very intense orgasms. I appreciate that he left his comfort zone in order to open up to me, and hope that watching my body writhe from the intense orgasms will encourage him to do this more in the future.

Talk to Me!

Sh (submissive hubby) grew up in a Catholic household, where sex was never discussed, and masturbation was a sin. He tends to have a difficult time discussing sex, even with me, his Mistress. My household was different, more open and accepting. I can talk about sex until I am blue in the face. It is one of my favorite topics of conversation! Sh and I get along well, and rarely have conflicts, but when we do they usually involve communication (or rather, a lack of it). I am pleased that sh has been working on ways of communicating with me. I asked him to start a blog a while back, and he has been posting fairly regularly to it. I believe he feels more free to express himself through writing rather than verbally.

One of the most important things that I have learned in my time experimenting with D/s is that frequent communication is crucial. Needs change, desires change, limits change, so in a practical sense communication is important, but I believe there is more to it than that. After a scene with sh, as I am basking in the glow of the many orgasms I just had, I want to talk about my experience. It is something akin to getting off a roller coaster and reliving it with your friends - “Man, when we went upside down twice, that was awesome!” I want to discuss what I loved, and when appropriate, what I did not. I want to hear from him how he felt during the scene, as I can use this information when I’m deciding how to torture and tease him next time!

Ultimately, communication is never a bad thing, and I hope that sh continues to grow in his ability to share his thoughts with me.