Submissive Men Married to Vanilla Women

In my search for a submissive I have determined that a fair portion of my readers are submissive men in vanilla marriages. So it is no surprise that my most popular post is about ways a submissive man can share his feelings with his vanilla partner. After offering my thoughts and suggestions to some of these men, I decided that another post on the subject would be in order.

I can understand how these men must feel- they desperately want (and need) to submit, yet they do not have the opportunity. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many men seem to grow into their submissiveness as they age. The feelings that, at a younger age, were just sexual desires, have grown to become almost an obsession.

It is such a conundrum - if you tell your wife you are submissive, she could ridicule you, think you are perverted or even question your morals. And most women, when approached, will not have a large enough knowledge base on the subject. Likely she will envision whips, chains and a Domme in a corsette and cut the discussion off before it begins.

What's a submissive boy to do? The internet opens up the opportunity to read and explore the world of D/s safely through pictures, stories and videos, however that is only moderately satisfying. ProDommes are a possibility, but some find the experience too artificial when an exchange of money is taking place.

First, accept that your feelings are perfectly normal, and that changing them would be difficult (if not impossible). I believe that for most people this would be akin to trying to change a homosexual to a heterosexual. Could it be done? Possibly, but only with much difficulty and never completely. You are who you are, and you cannot change what you desire. Your feelings, wants and needs are not wrong, bad, dirty or perverse. No one would think any less of a woman who wanted her husband to make the decisions and run the household while she catered to his needs. Why should a man who feels that way be treated any differently?

I believe that most women have a Dominant side, but over the years it has been stifled, a lot of the times due to societal expectations. Powerful women are considered bitchy, assertive women are considered demanding. Not to mention that it is nearly impossible to achieve the model of perfection that is thrust upon us by images in magazines, television shows and movies.

I have been working for some time on a program to help men empower their wives. Performing these actions will not guarantee that your wife will become Dominant, but will at least help her develop the traits that a Domme must have. I believe that, over time, most any woman can enjoy taking on the Dominant role.

The great thing about these tasks is that many of them place you in a more submissive role just by the mere act of performing them. You are doing these things to please your wife, to meet her needs, to satisfy her. She will grow to expect these things. Her friends will notice how attentive you are and will comment to her about it. She will become happier with you, and expect (and demand) more from you.

There needs to be moderation in all things, though, and surely your wife will wonder what in the world is happening if her former couch-potato, beer-guzzling husband all of the sudden starts mopping the floors, bringing her chocolates and opening doors for her. The changes you will make are gradual, and the changes she will make in return are gradual as well.

In many ways, you are simply spoiling your wife, but with a twist. You are doing things that will build her self-image, empower her, and cause her to realize that she will be happiest when you are submitting to her.

This isn’t meant to be a checklist whereby if you perform every action you will get the Domme of your dreams. Rather it is a list of suggestions that will help a woman realize how wonderful it feels to have a man submit to her.

• Hands off your penis. Yes, I realize this is asking a lot. But men masturbate way too often. The problem is that orgasms diminish your level of desire, and often your level of submission. Your orgasm (or lack thereof) should be her decision. You don’t need to announce this to her. Just do it!

• Make sure she knows how much you love, desire and appreciate her. Women work incredibly hard and men often take that for granted. Little notes, cards and emails will show her that you are thinking of her. Sure, some of these can be racy, but be sure to include some that focus on how much you love and appreciate the woman that she is.

• Implement rituals to help remind Her (and yourself) of your place. There is no need to bring these rituals to her attention- she may or may not notice, but they will serve to keep you in line. Examples include not taking a bite of dinner until she has started or standing and giving her a kiss when she returns home (or even, when she enters the room).

• Don’t smell like Chewbaca. Okay, I’m not sure if Chewbaca smells or not, but based on the massive amounts of hair all over his body, I imagine he must have a rank odor about him. Wear cologne or body spray (Axe is a good one). Better yet - accompany her to the store and ask her to smell different scents and decide which she would prefer. No woman wants to have a dirty, stinky man with sweat stains on his clothes.

• Give her gifts when she expects them. But more importantly, give her gifts when she doesn’t expect them. It feels great to know that someone is thinking about you and wanting to do something special for you, even when it isn’t a holiday. It doesn’t need to be Valentines Day for you to bring her chocolates, it doesn’t need to be Christmas to buy her a necklace she has been eyeing. It does not have to be a huge expense- she will be touched that you thought of her.

• Tell her that you know she works hard, and that you want to do your part more and take some of the work on yourself. Accept what she asks you to do and complete it well and without whining. Don’t put it off! Let her know she can rely on you to follow through on the things she asks of you.

This is part one of a longer list, but because I hate incredibly long blog posts, I’m going to split this one up. Feel free to share your comments either via the comment box or email me privately. I am happy to offer my thoughts and advice.

D/s for Dummies... or Beginners

(Yes, the promised Wednesday How-To is a little late... but I'm a Domme, damnit! I can break my own rules if I want.)

Seven + years into my full-time D/s lifestyle, I have a difficult time trying to remember my marriage in its infancy. When we met, j was hopelessly vanilla in behavior, though he had some D/s fantasies (that he did not share with me until later). I was kinkier and definitely more Dominant outside the bedroom, but was used to my boyfriends being more the aggressors in the bedroom.

It led to a few years of frustration for both of us – j wanting something that he was afraid to put into words, and me wanting to control him but not realizing that control could exist in the bedroom as well.

All of this came to a head one night during a heated discussion. I felt let down that j seemed uninterested in sex, and I was not afraid to tell him how disappointed I was. Out of nowhere, he said, “I want you to take control.” That was the beginning of it, and despite a few bumps in the road, j and I are very happy that we are travelling this path together.

There are quite a few words of advice I would offer to couples interested in incorporating Dominance and submission into their relationship. First, make sure you are both on the same page, or at least reading the same book. Communication is key. Both partners should have similar expectations of what they want from the experience.

Find a checklist online of different activities. Fill them out separately and then compare them. Talk about each one. You will be surprised how your feelings on things may change as you move forward in your relationship. Things I had no interest in years ago are now vital parts of our lifestyle.

Start slowly! At first, especially when you find a willing partner, you want to try and do everything. There are so many new experiences, new toys, new things to try. Don’t do everything at once. You may even need to be as regimented as saying, “Only one new thing a month.”

Inevitably, there will be ebbs and flows in the prominence of D/s in your relationship. Even our marriage, which we consider to be 24/7, has times when we just put it on the shelf for a while. Responsibilities at work, children and family obligations, stressors of all kinds can impact your desire to explore D/s. Don’t let it get you down- it’s NORMAL, and you likely will come back to right where you left off once things have resolved, sometimes with a renewed interest.

Consider the psychological ramifications of the things you might do. This is a biggie for me. There are a lot of things that may just need to remain fantasies. Communication is so important. There are doors that, once opened, cannot be closed again. Consider this especially when engaging in extreme play, such as extreme sadism, cuckolding, or humiliation. There are some partners for whom these things would not be damaging, but others who might find them shattering to their core. It’s not worth the thousands of dollars in potential psychiatry bills.

Being open is great, but be careful whom you choose to share this with. I tend to be a little overly cautious in this area, but that’s just me. I have a few close friends I have come out to, and my sister, but that has been it. In general I choose to keep this part of me secret.

Most of all, enjoy yourselves! Have fun, explore who you are and what makes you tick. Take notes along the way... heck, start your own blog. This lifestyle is a journey, and everyone's path is just a little different.

Strap-On Fun: There's Nothing Like the Butt

I have decided to begin making Wednesday posts how-to's. The post today is near and dear to my heart, as I truly enjoy taking my submissive anally. For the Dommes who read this and get something out of it, enjoy! And for you submissive men... it will probably be the hottest how-to you will ever read!

Having your man bent over, completely vulnerable, preferably restrained in some way is a feeling that nothing else can match.

First things first- use lots of lube! Messy? Yes, but better than causing tears that might mean time away from play. Trust me- once you take your man this way you will want to do it all the time!

It’s best to start gently. I prefer to have j laying on his back with his knees bent and legs spread. Start with your palm up, and enter his anus with one finger. Tease him a little bit so he doesn’t know when to expect that you might enter, and finally push your finger in. Most likely he’ll gasp… that means you are doing it right.

If your finger is long enough, you may be able to feel the prostate. Curl your finger in as if you are bring it in towards your palm. Although not the norm, per se, j seems to react with pleasurable moans and groans when I swipe slightly to the left and right. If your hands are small (as are mine), insert a second finger before beginning this. I usually toy with j’s anus a bit, tickling up against it with my second finger before inserting it.

With both fingers inside, you can stretch him just a bit. Open your two fingers, spreading him as you spread them. It is likely that you will not be able to open them much. Now you can play a bit- insert a third finger, slide your fingers in and out, tease his cock, slap his balls... have some fun!

When you are ready, pull your fingers out slowly, and position him for insertion. There are a couple ways to do this easily. If you are flexible, as I am, you can leave him in the position he is already in. Open your knees and sit in a W-type fashion. I then lift his legs and put them over my now spread out legs. Line the head up with him, but before you begin to insert, make sure you have some leverage. Now is the time to make sure you have plenty of lube. It is never a bad idea to push just a little more inside of him.

Slowly push into him. Unless he is experienced at anal play or you are feeling particularly sadistic, it is best to insert just the head and wait for his body to adjust to that sensation before pushing more in. Usually it takes just a minute before he is ready. You will know because he will likely begin pushing back towards you, wanting more of you inside of him.

Now thrust deep inside of him. Push your hips forward and back. If you are new to this, it might help to hold the strap-on, right near your body. This will give you a little extra control. As you become more experienced this will not be necessary, and with the proper strap-on you will have just as much control as any man would.

Now that you are taking him, tip your pelvis down slightly. This will make it so that pressure is placed on you, allowing you to enjoy the experience more.

You can play with things- change the speed, pressure, tilt of your body and more to totally change the sensations for you. Relax, enjoy yourself, and take your man like the bitch he is!