Pulling Things Back Together

I have started this post five different times, and keep deleting it. This morning the words are not flowing well, but at the same time I feel the need to post. Things between j and I are improving, and I can see that he is working hard to serve me (despite me telling him that I felt we should discontinue our D/s practices, at least for the time being).

I am enjoying his efforts, and I must admit it is nice to be able to sit back and take in his submission without being Dominant. When I am Dominant, at times I feel I have to be something akin to a mother to j. I tell him what I expect from him, and then I have to go around behind him checking to see if it is done (and done well). If it is not, I have to come up with an appropriate punishment, or "lecture" him.

For me, this is not working very well. Too often things are not done in a timely manner, or the way I expect, and I am left feeling let down. That decreases my feelings of Dominance, because if my commands are not followed, surely he is not submitting as he should (and maybe I'm not being as Dominant as I should be). I get off on him submitting to me. His submission drives me to be more and more Dominant (just as I would imagine my Dominance drives him to be more and more submissive).

In an ideal world, j would follow my direction without question and without fail. The "punishments" that I give would be administered simply as an exciting way to increase my Dominance over him. And, most importantly, if I told him to do something, I could rest assured that it would be done and done well. Now I know our world is far from ideal, and that many times life gets in the way, but our venture into D/s began as a result of his suggestion. I have encouraged this time away from D/s because I feel it will increase his appreciation for the way things were. I hope that as we return to our roles, we work harder to be Dominant and submissive out of sheer desire, not a sense of obligation or feeling it is the way things should be.

As my mother always said, "Be a labor great or small, do it well or not at all."

Hating the Hiatus!

What do you do when your partner is unable to assume their D/s role? I'm finding myself contemplating this lately, as j is struggling with some issues in his life and basically cannot be submissive. It is in part because he doesn't have the time to fulfill his duties, and also because he is not emotionally available to give himself to me.

Things have been this way, to varying degrees, for a few months. The first couple months I was able to cope well- I was busy with things going on in my life, and the lack of a D/s connection between us wasn't obviously apparent. But lately it's been nagging at me, and I miss feeling the closeness that I only truly experience when he submits to me.

Part of it is neglect: my panties have not been hand-washed in quite some time, I haven't had a pedicure in ages, and it's even bubbling over into our sex life. Recently I asked him to rub me... I had an orgasm pretty quickly since it had been a long time since he had touched me, and when I reached over to stroke him, he was limp. I was troubled because that is extremely unusual for him.

It's tough- part of me wants to be angry at him and assert my Dominance, putting him back in his place. But at the same time I realize that he needs time to focus on his own needs, not mine.

I told him today that I am giving him this time. He didn't ask for it, but he needs it. He can't meet my needs until he takes care of himself, and right now he is a mess.

I can't fix things for him. If I could, I would. So I sit here wait, and hope that things will improve. And fantasize.

Fantasizing - Part 2

* continued from previous post *

He kneels and looks up at me, in desperation. "Look at the floor, you are not worthy of watching me," I say, and before the words finish flowing from my mouth I lift my leg and push his head down with my foot. His head lowers until it is resting on the floor, near my shoe. "Lick it," I say, and immediately his tongue begins lapping my shoes. My toes are exposed in this particular pair of heels, and he licks closer and closer to them. I can tell he is eager and yearning to have my toes in his mouth. "Beg me, boy! Beg me for the privilege of sucking on my toes," I challenge him.

Immediately, out of enthusiasm I am sure, he looks up at me to beg. My hand draws back and I slap his face. I hear the gasps of those around us. "I did NOT tell you to look at me. I told you to beg!" He looks at my feet and begins begging in earnest, almost whining as he attempts to earn the honor of licking my feet. I beckon to j to come over and remove my shoes, and now I have two submissive men kneeling before me. As my admirer continues to beg and plea, I shove my toes into his mouth, mid-sentence. He begins licking and sucking passionately, as if he was dying of thirst and was just offered a glass of water.

I meet j's eyes and whisper, "Undress him." I know he does not want to do this, and that beyond that he is afraid of what might happen after my admirer is naked. Still, he follows my command, and as my admirer suckles my toes he is being stripped of his clothes. As his pants are removed, I see his erection. He is absolutely enormous, his hard cock nearly twice the size of j's. I am sure this makes j uncomfortable, which just adds to my excitement.

"Mistress, he is undressed, as you asked," j says meekly. I push my admirer away from my feet and stand up. I turn my back to him and push my pants down, slowly. I taunt not only j and my admirer, but the rest of the room as well, as they see me exposing more and more of myself. As I remove my pants from around my ankles, I call out my next command. "Both of you, lick my ass, now!"

Within seconds, I have two tongues on my ass, licking it. I feel the tongue of my love against my asshole, pushing against it and tickling it. I feel the tongue of my admirer as well, slightly beneath my asshole, They continue licking and I feel my pussy getting wet. I turn my body around so that I am leaning back against the stool and give my next order. "My pussy- lick it." I hear j gasp, the way that he always does when I give him the honor of tasting me, and then I feel them both there, tonguing and tasting me. My juices are flowing steadily now, and I have begun to moan.

The feeling of two tongues on me, lapping away, as a room full of people look on is too much for me, and I have a tremendous orgasm. My moans are almost animalistic in nature, coming from deep within me. My hips thrust up against their faces over and over again, as my body shakes in pleasure.

I feel my legs giving out beneath me, and I push them away. The pleasure is too intense and I can take no more. They are both on the floor now, looking bewildered. "You're coming with me! I'm not done with you yet," I say, as I quickly put my pants back on and head towards the door. I look over my shoulder and see j scampering to close his pants over his intense erection. My admirer is sitting on the floor, naked, looking bewildered. "Come on- get up! I want both of you tonight," I say, and he appears shocked but excited by my demand. Ahh, the fun to come!