Submissive Men Married to Vanilla Women

In my search for a submissive I have determined that a fair portion of my readers are submissive men in vanilla marriages. So it is no surprise that my most popular post is about ways a submissive man can share his feelings with his vanilla partner. After offering my thoughts and suggestions to some of these men, I decided that another post on the subject would be in order.

I can understand how these men must feel- they desperately want (and need) to submit, yet they do not have the opportunity. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many men seem to grow into their submissiveness as they age. The feelings that, at a younger age, were just sexual desires, have grown to become almost an obsession.

It is such a conundrum - if you tell your wife you are submissive, she could ridicule you, think you are perverted or even question your morals. And most women, when approached, will not have a large enough knowledge base on the subject. Likely she will envision whips, chains and a Domme in a corsette and cut the discussion off before it begins.

What's a submissive boy to do? The internet opens up the opportunity to read and explore the world of D/s safely through pictures, stories and videos, however that is only moderately satisfying. ProDommes are a possibility, but some find the experience too artificial when an exchange of money is taking place.

First, accept that your feelings are perfectly normal, and that changing them would be difficult (if not impossible). I believe that for most people this would be akin to trying to change a homosexual to a heterosexual. Could it be done? Possibly, but only with much difficulty and never completely. You are who you are, and you cannot change what you desire. Your feelings, wants and needs are not wrong, bad, dirty or perverse. No one would think any less of a woman who wanted her husband to make the decisions and run the household while she catered to his needs. Why should a man who feels that way be treated any differently?

I believe that most women have a Dominant side, but over the years it has been stifled, a lot of the times due to societal expectations. Powerful women are considered bitchy, assertive women are considered demanding. Not to mention that it is nearly impossible to achieve the model of perfection that is thrust upon us by images in magazines, television shows and movies.

I have been working for some time on a program to help men empower their wives. Performing these actions will not guarantee that your wife will become Dominant, but will at least help her develop the traits that a Domme must have. I believe that, over time, most any woman can enjoy taking on the Dominant role.

The great thing about these tasks is that many of them place you in a more submissive role just by the mere act of performing them. You are doing these things to please your wife, to meet her needs, to satisfy her. She will grow to expect these things. Her friends will notice how attentive you are and will comment to her about it. She will become happier with you, and expect (and demand) more from you.

There needs to be moderation in all things, though, and surely your wife will wonder what in the world is happening if her former couch-potato, beer-guzzling husband all of the sudden starts mopping the floors, bringing her chocolates and opening doors for her. The changes you will make are gradual, and the changes she will make in return are gradual as well.

In many ways, you are simply spoiling your wife, but with a twist. You are doing things that will build her self-image, empower her, and cause her to realize that she will be happiest when you are submitting to her.

This isn’t meant to be a checklist whereby if you perform every action you will get the Domme of your dreams. Rather it is a list of suggestions that will help a woman realize how wonderful it feels to have a man submit to her.

• Hands off your penis. Yes, I realize this is asking a lot. But men masturbate way too often. The problem is that orgasms diminish your level of desire, and often your level of submission. Your orgasm (or lack thereof) should be her decision. You don’t need to announce this to her. Just do it!

• Make sure she knows how much you love, desire and appreciate her. Women work incredibly hard and men often take that for granted. Little notes, cards and emails will show her that you are thinking of her. Sure, some of these can be racy, but be sure to include some that focus on how much you love and appreciate the woman that she is.

• Implement rituals to help remind Her (and yourself) of your place. There is no need to bring these rituals to her attention- she may or may not notice, but they will serve to keep you in line. Examples include not taking a bite of dinner until she has started or standing and giving her a kiss when she returns home (or even, when she enters the room).

• Don’t smell like Chewbaca. Okay, I’m not sure if Chewbaca smells or not, but based on the massive amounts of hair all over his body, I imagine he must have a rank odor about him. Wear cologne or body spray (Axe is a good one). Better yet - accompany her to the store and ask her to smell different scents and decide which she would prefer. No woman wants to have a dirty, stinky man with sweat stains on his clothes.

• Give her gifts when she expects them. But more importantly, give her gifts when she doesn’t expect them. It feels great to know that someone is thinking about you and wanting to do something special for you, even when it isn’t a holiday. It doesn’t need to be Valentines Day for you to bring her chocolates, it doesn’t need to be Christmas to buy her a necklace she has been eyeing. It does not have to be a huge expense- she will be touched that you thought of her.

• Tell her that you know she works hard, and that you want to do your part more and take some of the work on yourself. Accept what she asks you to do and complete it well and without whining. Don’t put it off! Let her know she can rely on you to follow through on the things she asks of you.

This is part one of a longer list, but because I hate incredibly long blog posts, I’m going to split this one up. Feel free to share your comments either via the comment box or email me privately. I am happy to offer my thoughts and advice.