The Hunt for a Submissive

I have debated for a while about putting this on my blog, but feel it appropriate. I have been searching for a second submissive for a while. I am getting little more from CollarMe than boilerplate emails, 'hi, can I serve you' messages, and genital pics. I'm sure there are some great submissive men on CollarMe, but I have yet to find them. I have decided to take my search to the blog.

Readers of my blog know my D/s interests inside and out. And I think it is safe to say that the majority of my readers are submissive men. Here is what I am looking for, in list form just because I like lists. If at least 8 of the 10 items on the list below apply to you, I would like to hear from you (my email is in my profile).

1. Submissive man between the ages of 28 and 50
2. 5'8" or taller
3. Intelligent, can carry on a good conversation and write well
4. A great sense of humor
5. An interest in Female Domination that transcends kink
6. A desire to create a strong bond with a Dominant woman
7. Interested in regular contact via email/chat/phone with the possibility of meeting in the future
8. Able to discuss a variety of topics, with interests that extend beyond BDSM
9. D/s interests that are similar to mine (if you don't know, read the blog!)
10. Have to spell well or be able to use spell check (misspelled words are a pet peeve of mine)

I live in Virginia, though I am open to a long-distance relationship.

Sparking Desire in a Newbie

I recently had a conversation with an otherwise vanilla friend in which he shared that he and his girlfriend have not been intimate for months. After a bit of discussion, I suggested that he 'kink it up' a bit. We continued on the topic, and he asked what I do when I am in the mood and j is not showing any interest. I responded that I just take what I want. He was not previously privy to the details of my intimate life, and I could tell my response caught him off guard.

He started asking questions, and the more he asked (and seemed intrigued), the more I felt willing to share. I could tell that he was incredibly aroused by the conversation, and I must admit I was a bit turned on myself. It was as if I could see the gears turning in his head. This was mostly new to him. His only point of reference is what he has seen in some pornographic magazines and pop culture references.

He told me he had never felt a desire for anything like a Femdom relationship, but that the more I described it, the more he wanted it. He talked about how much it turned him on that a woman would be assertive and sexually free, that she would embrace her desires. He said (and I agree) that nothing is hotter than a powerful, confident woman.

None of this really surprised me, though. I think many, many men would prefer that their wife/girlfriend/partner take on a more dominant role, especially in the bedroom. It's not just about the great sex (although my worst D/s sex is FAR better than my best vanilla sex). It's more about the connection between man and woman... the man surrendering himself to her, and the woman accepting him and molding him to please her. The communication and awareness of each other that exists in a D/s relationship is beyond what I believe most unfamiliar with the lifestyle can imagine. And that, my dear readers, makes for a very happy couple.

D/s for Dummies... or Beginners

(Yes, the promised Wednesday How-To is a little late... but I'm a Domme, damnit! I can break my own rules if I want.)

Seven + years into my full-time D/s lifestyle, I have a difficult time trying to remember my marriage in its infancy. When we met, j was hopelessly vanilla in behavior, though he had some D/s fantasies (that he did not share with me until later). I was kinkier and definitely more Dominant outside the bedroom, but was used to my boyfriends being more the aggressors in the bedroom.

It led to a few years of frustration for both of us – j wanting something that he was afraid to put into words, and me wanting to control him but not realizing that control could exist in the bedroom as well.

All of this came to a head one night during a heated discussion. I felt let down that j seemed uninterested in sex, and I was not afraid to tell him how disappointed I was. Out of nowhere, he said, “I want you to take control.” That was the beginning of it, and despite a few bumps in the road, j and I are very happy that we are travelling this path together.

There are quite a few words of advice I would offer to couples interested in incorporating Dominance and submission into their relationship. First, make sure you are both on the same page, or at least reading the same book. Communication is key. Both partners should have similar expectations of what they want from the experience.

Find a checklist online of different activities. Fill them out separately and then compare them. Talk about each one. You will be surprised how your feelings on things may change as you move forward in your relationship. Things I had no interest in years ago are now vital parts of our lifestyle.

Start slowly! At first, especially when you find a willing partner, you want to try and do everything. There are so many new experiences, new toys, new things to try. Don’t do everything at once. You may even need to be as regimented as saying, “Only one new thing a month.”

Inevitably, there will be ebbs and flows in the prominence of D/s in your relationship. Even our marriage, which we consider to be 24/7, has times when we just put it on the shelf for a while. Responsibilities at work, children and family obligations, stressors of all kinds can impact your desire to explore D/s. Don’t let it get you down- it’s NORMAL, and you likely will come back to right where you left off once things have resolved, sometimes with a renewed interest.

Consider the psychological ramifications of the things you might do. This is a biggie for me. There are a lot of things that may just need to remain fantasies. Communication is so important. There are doors that, once opened, cannot be closed again. Consider this especially when engaging in extreme play, such as extreme sadism, cuckolding, or humiliation. There are some partners for whom these things would not be damaging, but others who might find them shattering to their core. It’s not worth the thousands of dollars in potential psychiatry bills.

Being open is great, but be careful whom you choose to share this with. I tend to be a little overly cautious in this area, but that’s just me. I have a few close friends I have come out to, and my sister, but that has been it. In general I choose to keep this part of me secret.

Most of all, enjoy yourselves! Have fun, explore who you are and what makes you tick. Take notes along the way... heck, start your own blog. This lifestyle is a journey, and everyone's path is just a little different.

Sexy Is a State of Mind

I wonder how many women do not embrace their sexuality because they are self-conscious. Women are programmed from such a young age to believe that there is one set of ideal attributes, and any variations from that ideal are not desirable. Don't believe me? Grab a Cosmo and you can see it. The women all look very similar - tall, thin, unusually large breasts given their lack of body fat, perfect skin, luscious and full lips, flowing hair. This flawless representation makes women feel less than confident. How can most women compete? It is no wonder that so many women feel ill-at-ease with their bodies.

I have come to the conclusion that sexy is more of a state of mind than a set of physical attributes. To be sexy, one doesn't need to wear a short skirt or revealing clothes, one doesn't need to show skin or be a model. To be sexy, one needs to be confident and passionate.

I have a coworker who is beautiful by anyone's standards. She always looks great, no matter what the circumstances, and in addition she is caring and kind. Sadly, it seems as if she is oblivious to her own beauty. Minor problems, like a tiny pimple, make her feel terrible about herself. She has confessed that she feels that people stare at her 'big ass'. She acknowledges and is proud of her professional accomplishments, but she cannot seem to come to term with who she is physically. She has a beautiful exterior, and yet she is self-conscious. And because of this, even though she is beautiful, she really is not very sexy. No surprise that she regularly complains about her sex-life.

To her and women like her I say... be proud of who you are, be beautiful, be confident, don't be afraid to shake your booty or grab your man by the balls. If you want him to go down on you, tell him! If he doesn't do it right, tell him that too. Demand satisfaction, don't settle for less. Share your fantasies, and make them come true.

Here's to being sexy AND self-confident!

Saturday Morning Fun, with a Surprising Twist

I woke up early Saturday morning, incredibly aroused. I am not sure what dream inspired such feelings, but it must have been a great one!

I require j to sleep naked so that he is available when I need him. I leaned over, kissing his mouth and face, then kissing my way down to his chest. As he woke I licked and kissed his nipples, and then bit them. My bites shocked him, erasing any grogginess he was feeling. As I continued to toy with his chest, I reached down and grabbed his cock. I was pleasantly surprised to find he was wearing his cock ring. I tapped against it hard with my fingernails, luxuriating in the sound of his moans.

Not wanting j to become too aroused, I slapped his balls hard, over and over again. I began to rub my clitoris, placing one finger on each side of it and moving them up and down quickly. I could already feel my juices flowing, so I grabbed j by the hair and pulled his head down towards my pussy. He immediately knew what I wanted, and got on his hands and knees with his ass facing me and his head between my legs. His tongue went to town, licking my pussy as I toyed with his ass. I love having him in this position, as I can play with his asshole, balls and cock easily as he pleasures me.

I reached a couple powerful orgasms with his tongue pleasuring me and then reached for my Magic Wand (conveniently stored right by the bed!). I turned slightly, pushing him off of me, and placed the Wand between my legs. With great pressure on my clit, I quickly came again.

j laid on the bed next to me, his cock hard and desperate for release. This meant I believe 21 orgasms of mine since he had a single one. I rubbed my right foot up against his cock as he moaned in pleasure. I tapped the head of his cock gently with the sole of my foot as I rubbed my clit with my fingers again. It had only been a couple minutes when he asked permission to cum. I couldn't believe he could possibly cum just from having the head of his cock lightly tapped, so I gave him permission.

I was shocked as his body started to writhe and I felt the cum hit my foot. I continued to tap against it as he came for what had to have been thirty seconds. When he finished I wiped my cum-soaked foot all over his chest, stomach and legs as I laughed hysterically at him. I still cannot believe that he was so desperate that he could cum that way!

A Few of My Favorite Things

One of my readers recently messaged me through Pingbox and asked me to post my favorite BDSM-related gear. Here they are, in no particular order:


My all-time favorite D/s toy is the Feeldoe. The Feeldoe is a great alternative to the typical strap-on. It is convenient to use as I don't have to worry about putting on the harness for a strap-on in the middle of play. I can just slip the Feeldoe in and I am ready to go. I have used a number of different strap-ons and my Feeldoe offers significantly more control and certainly far more stimulation to my own body when I take j. It offers clitoral stimulation and vibrates via a small vibrator that can be removed. It's also super-easy to clean. It does require good pelvic control, but do your kegel exercises and you should be all set for a wonderful experience!


The Hitachi Magic Wand is a must-have for any woman, whether she is Dominant or not. It is the ultimate vibrator and has brought me to hundreds, if not thousands of orgasms. I own a number of great vibes, including the Eroscillator and several Doc Johnson vibrators. They basically sit in my toy cabinet gathering dust as I play over and over again with the Magic Wand. The Magic Wand is powered via an electrical cord, so no need to worry about batteries. When I use it, I generally put a lot of pressure on it, which tones down the vibrations a bit and makes them feel as if they are deeper within my body. Quite a few attachments have come out in recent years, too. I love using the Magic Wand for tease and denial with j... having him restrained as I apply it to his cock (on high, of course) until he is on the brink, over and over again.


Bondage tape is a must-have for me! Bondage tape has no adhesive, so it is not sticky. Rather, it is made of a material that adheres to itself. It is strong and gives very little when someone strains against it. Unlike rope, it requires no special knowledge of knots and restraints and it is quite safe, so you can play with little concern about circulation. When you are done, you can easily cut it off and discard it or unwind it and use it again. Don't get me wrong- I love, love, love rope, but in terms of quick and simple bondage, the tape cannot be beat.



Mmm... just the thought of impact play is enough to get me aroused! I love spanking, and the feeling of my hand moving through the air and coming down upon j's ass. Unfortunately, after a bit of this, my hand becomes sore. That is when I bring in the crop. The crop is lightweight, easy to use and offers a fantastic slap sound when it impacts flesh. j's ass quickly turns a beautiful shade of crimson under my crop.


Next on my list of must-have toys is the ball gag. The ball gag allows me to shut j up whenever the need arises. It quickly puts him into a more submissive position and is a great way to end arguments if they arise! I like using a ball gag on him before I punish him so that any yelps of pain are transformed into moans with the gag in place. Just looking at him with the gag on is enough to get me going!


The Aneros was one of our first anal toys, and remains one of my favorites. The Aneros is a prostate massager, molded to fit nicely inside the rectum. There is a handle-type piece on the end that is used for easy insertion and removal. When j has the Aneros in place, I use the handle to move it within him. Tilting it up puts great pressure on the prostate and is enough to make him absolutely shiver. I like the Aneros over a traditional butt-plug as it remains firmly in place, even during serious play. Some men report being to have orgasms with no penile stimulation at all when the Aneros is in.


j's collar and anklets come from Eternity Collars. They have held up to quite a bit of abuse and are still going strong. The collar and anklets are both secured with a screw that requires an allen wrench to open. j wears his anklets all the time, only removing them to travel or go through metal detectors (sometimes not even then... which is a funny story I will save for another time). The collar sits rather low on j's neck, so he wears it discreetly throughout the winter. I love being able grab onto his collar and yank him around. So very nice!


When j and I first started down this path of Dominance and submission, I had no interest whatsoever in electric play. After watching a few videos, though, I was intrigued enough to give it a try and I am so glad I did. The Rimba E-Stim Device is a great entry unit to the world of electrical stimulation. I remember the day this toy arrived, attaching the electrodes to my labia and using the device. It's difficult to describe the sensation, but it feels less zappy than tappy (told you it was difficult to describe)! It is safe to say that it can cause incredible pleasure or incredible pain. I purchased the Dual Contact Penis Strap to use on j, and the experience is one of complete control. I can bring j to orgasm without ever touching him at all, simply by turning the dials on the device. I can also bring him a swift zap of pain if I like. It is important to use the e-stim devices with conductive gel or the pleasure can turn to pain at unexpected times!

Caged In - A Domme's Fantasy

Fantasies run rampant in my mind. There are some that, although hot, I probably would never try. There are others that I am just waiting for the perfect opportunity to fulfill. This fantasy is definitely outside what I normally might do with j or any other sub, but it does make me wonder what I might be capable of!

j and I have a weekend alone, and I decide it is great time to put him in his place. I tell him to get dressed quickly as we need to run an errand. Once dressed, I have him drive to PetSmart. He thinks we are there to purchase food for our dogs, which we do, but then I take him over to look at the dog crates. Within earshot of several male shoppers I explain to j that since he is my little bitch, he needs to be treated accordingly. I look over several of the crates, loudly considering whether they are big or secure enough as he blushes crimson.

I select a crate that I believe will work nicely, and we purchase it. Immediately after returning home, I have him strip down to his panties and have him put the crate together. I tell him to get inside the crate. I don't put a blanket or towel down over the bottom of the crate, and I am sure it is uncomfortable for him, but I don't care. I place a large lock on the door to secure it closed. I then cover the crate and leave him alone, locked up, in the dark.

For the next several hours I go about my business. I talk to a girlfriend on the phone, read a magazine, workout and take a shower. When I step out of the shower, I hear him calling for me. He begs to be released to use the bathroom. I explain to him that, as my bitch, he is being crate-trained and I know he won't go in his crate. I tell him he needs to wait.

I leave him this way for another hour, then return to the crate. He is so excited to see me, thinking my presence means his release. Instead, I force him to drink a glass of water and leave again. I return later, expecting to find him again begging to use the bathroom. When I uncover the crate I see him masturbating furiously. I unlock the crate and pull him out by his erect penis.

As he starts to stand, I push him down to the ground. He looks up at me, shock written all over his face. "That's right, bitch," I say, "you can crawl around on the ground like the dog you are." I put the gates of hell on his penis and attach a leash to it. As I pull him through the house on his leash, I ask him if he wants to pee or if he wants to cum.

He begs to use the bathroom, almost crying at this point. "Too bad," I say, "first you are going to cum." I stroke his cock through the gates of hell and hear him whimper... partly in pain, partly in pleasure. I roughly take the gates of hell off him and furiously stroke his penis. I don't even look his direction as I am stroking it. I feel his body tense up as he cums onto the wood floor.

"Now can I pee, Mistress?" he begs. I tell him that he must first clean up his mess, and force him to lick his cum off the floor. He makes a nasty face, but obeys. As soon as he is done I release him to go to the bathroom. When he returns I tell him that he will be spending the night in his new cage. After locking him up for the night and covering the crate, I leave a small opening in the front that is not covered by the blanket. I want him to have a clear view of me as I masturbate, taunting him the entire time.