Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Cuckolding: A Domme's Perspective


When you write a blog, you open yourself up to comments and thoughts from others. By and large, the comments I receive are supportive and appreciative. On occasion I receive a comment that is critical. I received this comment today and felt it would make a good blog post.

The comment reads: “Sounds like that is it for your marriage unless hubby can stand your obvious desire for other men. Ask yourself this: Do you have any interest in j sexually other than as an object of your pleasure? If not, you should let him know and see how he feels. It looks to me you are confusing dominance with sexual boredom, because your guy can't "man up" in the bedroom.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but cuckoldry is playing with fire, and you might want to ask yourself (assuming you actually care for j) what he is getting out of it.

And yes, I've read the other two posts on this topic.

Clarence”


My response: I appreciate your comment and realize it was placed after thought and out of concern for My marriage. I can assure you that cuckolding was not something either one of us entered into lightly. We had discussed the issue quite a bit at different times, and came to the conclusion it was the path for us. Read: US. Not for Me, not for him, but for Us together as a couple. j is my husband first, my submissive second. Feel free to ask him if he sees this as a problem, if he feels like he cannot satisfy me, if he prefers that things be different. I can assure you that is not the case. he has told me this, and he has written this on his own blog, Serving My Mistress.

j is not by any means a groveling on the floor type of submissive. That’s just not who he is. He can and DOES speak his mind, especially when something is bothering him. Can he satisfy me? Sure! Do I enjoy being able to tease him and taunt him, letting him know that another man is doing it for me? Absolutely! j’s ONLY deficiencies in the bedroom are that he is small (which has never been an issue for me) and that he cannot last a long time (something we have remedied quite well with numbing cream). Aside from that, he is a phenomenal lover, whether the sex is traditional, vanilla sex or full-blown, out and out raunchy D/s sex.

You are right when you say that cuckolding is a dangerous path. I agree, wholeheartedly. Then again, that could be said about many different aspects of Dominance and submission. But ultimately, the path we are taking is one we chose to take, together. I respect j’s limits, but more than that, I am cognizant of his feelings. I have never been the type of Domme that goes through life without a care in the world about the feelings of her submissive. Rather, I want him to be happy.

My blog includes time away, sometimes months at a time when D/s was not working for us for whatever reason. During these times, we generally have a more vanilla relationship, at least in the sexual sense. And who is it who comes back begging for more D/s? He does. After my submissive came and visited us for a few days, j was immediately trying to figure out how we could travel and spend more time together.

After reading his comment, I asked j to write his thoughts on the matter. I will be posting them now, as Cuckolding: A sub's Perspective.

5 comments:

  1. From everything I have read on both yours and your husbands blogs I think that you two are fine.

    I wouldn't take these type of comments in a way that bother you, people have their opinions and all. I think that the way in which you two had fun with t was healthy...you were pretty much all involved.

    Where it can be tricky is when one person falls in love with the other one and spends more time making that relationship exciting than they do with the person they are married to, but I haven't seen that happening here. I have however seen that in another blog and it did not turn out so well in the end.

    I would just say proceed with a little caution...take it slowly and make sure that j is always comfortable as your husband with what his wife is doing with others, and I am sure you guys will be fine.

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  2. Milady:

    I will address this comment here, partly out of respect in that you are the Domme and its your blog, and partly because it wouldn't make sense to put a comment in the two posts. But this is for both you and j.

    First off, I apologize if any offense was taken. I should have remembered that , like 99.5 percent or so of all bloggers out there, blogging for you is a part-time activity. Fact is, I don't know much about your and j's day to day life, and that is mostly to the good. I DO know you are not one of those domme wives who brag about how long they've had hubby in chastity and how they never let him enter them any longer either ... bwa, ha, ha. In short, I've read enough of your blog to know that you care for j or I should say, cared for him, since with the way you described the cuckolding I began to wonder. I also had been reading some of your older posts two days ago (while I've been to this blog quite a few times over the last 6 months there's lots of old links I've never read)and saw one where you said that sometimes you just need to "be taken", and that wasn't the type of person that j was.

    Now, I've been with women, and I've been around the sexual blogosphere for probably a good 7 years, and I will say that wanting to sometimes have the man be aggressive in the bedroom is very common -indeed, by far it is the norm(and please don't confuse this with rape fantasies which are a separate type). Thus your desires as a domme and a woman for that type of a sexual scene are perfectly understandable and normal. I'd ask, j, honestly if he's tried to do that for you and if not because it's some sort of "hard limit" such that he would throw up, or instead something he's just not confident about. Perhaps IF that is the case, the aid of a switch or male dominant you both trust might help him out.

    I will also say that I've seen some bad things come from cuckolding. Usually it's a change in attitude by the wife towards hubby or subby (or subbyhubby). The guy's participation drops (according to the blog) and if he does anything from that point on, it's service the "bull". At this point, most men, at least most men who don't have fantasies of that nature, tend to start having serious issues, and this excarbates things. I've seen blogs be pulled, or just stop being updated for 6 or more months at a time after this kind of stuff goes down. Once contempt (not anger,not any other emotion)for the other partner enters the writing, the marriage or sub/dom relationship is as good as over.

    It's possible this will work in your marriage. You have given j some say, but ultimately it will be a problem IF:
    A. It's more important than the marriage
    and/or
    B. It's done because of some inadequacy on j's part that you haven't verbalized. Fact is, submissive as j is, certain parts of the BDSM and femdom (and maledom too of course)tend to push an unrealistic and possibly dangerous standard of submission, and I was worried that he didn't feel free to vocalize his concerns AFTER the fact.

    Anyway, I'm glad to see you both posting and that you both enjoyed it. Milady I apologize not for my concerns such as they are, but for any offense you may have taken. You do seem to have all the parties involved interests at heart. j, I'm glad she let you write that out. I underestimated her concern for you,I'm glad to say, and I didn't know as much about what you thought as I should have.

    Here's hoping that you two will be one of the couples in which cuckolding (or another open marriage type of arrangement) will work. I've seen it, but I've seen too much of the other kind, so I felt I had to speak out with my concerns.

    Clarence

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  3. While it is not bad to hear advice from those who have lived it, a lot of people forget that there are so many different types of relationships out there and want to give advice based on the types of marriages which are on shaky ground. If you're in a truly stable, trusting, and solid marriage, the warnings are misdirected.

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  4. Miss Christina- Thanks for your comments. Communication and honesty is the name of the game, especially with something like cuckolding. I have always hoped that came out in my writing, and am glad you feel it does.

    Clarence- Everyone's situation is different, just as everyone is entitled to share their opinion. I keep my comments open for just that reason, and appreciate you sharing yours.

    sub cuck- You are right, there are many different types of relationships and, although it can be helpful to offer advice, it shouldn't be given as a blanket to be applied to all relationships. Honesty, trust and communication are paramount. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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